Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Please Sleep With My Friend Turco. He Rides a Motorcycle and Doesn’t Have Herpes. [UPDATED]

The Boyfriend’s roomie Turco has been a little dry in love department lately, but I assure you, it is because he just hasn’t met the right kind of girl. And, apparently, if I find him such a girl, I win a pizza. Or a personal check for $30. And since we all know I’m poor and hungry, please forgive me for compromising this blog’s integrity in the name of nourishment and cash.

So here goes it.*
[Turco can get very philosophical, especially when it comes to food and death.]

Turco can offer you a chance at internet stardom in his closet. Your fans will include his old drum set, the bodies of deceased girlfriends, and a cat called "Baby Grey".

[Only you, and this sexy feline, can repair the damage done to Turco's heart by neglect.]

It’s true, Turco does have a few flaws. One of these is that he is really much too buff and certainly not fat. Another is that he is simply too good of a drummer to be fully appreciated by the inferior ears of members of the human race.

Turco promises to shower his future gal pal with large sums of money in the form of bad checks.

He enjoys long motorcycle crashes into parked vehicles. Also, he loves to eat carrots - but only if they are followed by the words “cake” and “marshmallow filling.”

Females with expert zombie hunter skills are preferred, but not required.

Inquiries can be made in the comments section.

*This post was co-written by Turco via Facebook chat.

[UPDATE] Turco would like all his potential lady friends to know that he lives in an exclusive area called Rolling Hills Estates. He will escort you to his beautiful four bedroom home, and show you the rustic scenery and his (occasionally) heated pool.

Also, his fingers are extremely strong and agile from playing
Left for Dead on XBox sixty hours a week. Take from that what you will.


  1. Both those photos need location credit, aka RHE, where i would escort my female counterpart.

  2. Who would let a guy like this pass by? I'm in! [but he must provide a bad check for me to pay for my flight with!]

  3. @Whit Seriously! He's a like pebble in a sea of diamonds...oh wait. I'll let him know you're interested. Please provide an address (probably a P.O. Box for the sake of preventing stalking, etc) so he can send you a check.

  4. Send Social Security Number & List of Fears as well.

  5. Please tell me which state Turco lives in. If it's not one of the 8 states I've had sex in during what is turning out to be a very slow attempt to cross "sex in all 50 states" off my Life List, I'll probably do it. Or not. Or maybe. If there's tequila involved. And if you will give me a bite of your victory pizza.

    Victory pizza? Wow, great fucking band name.

    Oh wait, you live in LA right? Damn it, I've done California. Would Turco like to meet me in Oregon?

  6. Nicole - let me consult with Turco. He is very poor and might not be able to afford to travel to Oregon. Plus that is a long motorcycle ride, as he does not have a car. (But don't worry, with Turcs, there is always alcohol involved.)

    Also, I would totally be in a band called Victory Pizza. Unfortunately, I suck at singing and only play the flute. And not all that well.

  7. Whoops, Turco tells me I am a very bad PR person. So, he used to have a car - but it was stolen. And that's not his fault.

    Also, he could totally go to Oregon. No problemo.

  8. Brittany,

    If you formed a band called Victory Pizza, I would offer my services as a tamborine player/exotic dancer. Chances are, that we would probably gig more than VV


    I would meet you in any other state aside from Oregan, Kansas, and Iowa.

  9. Turco, ANYONE could get more gigs than VV. But yes, I accept your dancing and tamborine offer. Let's do this.

  10. I don't have a PO box! I will have to open one just for this venture.

    Considering this, it looks like our booty call has failed before it even truly got off the ground.

    In other news, I will be SF this summer, so Turco... ;)

    PS: I would so be a Victory Pizza groupie.

  11. YAY! We have groupies! And the band hasn't even started yet.

  12. They are only groupies if they PUT OUT.