[I realize that drawing a picture of myself pole dancing on a pole holding the South Korean flag is incredibly disrespectful. But, umm, it's totally relevant. And it's funny, right?]
I have excellent friends.
The kind of friends that abandon me and move to Korea. Which, actually, is very nice because then I have an excuse to return to Korea and a free place to stay. But not nice, because when I get there I will have to fight off the hoards of men who think I’m some kind of crazed drunken whore.
Kirin – the friend who has relocated to South Korea – has apparently been talking about me. To dudes. We were talking on Gchat this morning (well, it was morning for me) when she drops this bombshell:
Kirin: My co-worker Desert Boy is disappointed that you are bringing The Boyfriend to Korea.
Me: Umm, why?
Kirin: [ridiculous emoticon that means “I’ve done something horribly un-friendly and you will soon want to murder me”]
Me: Errrr…..[30 minutes later]
Kirin: Yeah, my friends are excited to meet you. Desert Boy in particular.
Me: Uh oh.
Kirin: …I may have told him that you like to dance on poles when you get drunk.
Okay, dear readers, yes, if there is a pole, and I am drunk, logic alone dictates that I will probably dance on it. But I do not actively seek out poles when inebriated. I do not swing around on things that are not stripper poles, just because I am drunk and require a pole. And this paragraph is beginning to sound very phallic and wrong.
But this drunken pole dancing has nothing to do with trying to look sexy. I only drunkenly pole dance because it is fun. It’s like a swing set for adults!
So I had to explain to Kirin that drunken pole dancing was the sort of thing you wanted a boy to be surprised by, not the sort of thing he should be expecting when he meets you.
Well, no biggie, she explained. It only came up because I was trying to explain my connection to your Korean Boyfriend!
(This is what I get for hanging out with gay chicks who do not care whether or not they are impressing guys. Yup. Haha, my friend Brittany is so funny. She drinks too much and dances like a stripper. Oh you want to meet her now? Cool beans!)
[See, there’s this boy in Korea who I met last time I was there, and he is completely adorable and I call him Opa. And he has now started hanging out with Kirin because she moved to Korea.]
Okay, well that totally makes sense….no, wait, it doesn’t.
Kirin: I don’t remember why it came up….
GAH. Okay. Let’s retrace the steps of this conversation Kirin had with Desert Boy. She hung out with Korean Boyfriend, and Desert Boy was like, how do you know this Korean dude? and then she was like, oh, well, my friend Brittany knows him, and she dances on poles when she is drunk…
Nope. Sorry. THE DOTS ARE NOT CONNECTING.
I mean, it’s all very nice and all that my amazing drunken pole dancing skills have already impressed the population of expats living in Seoul before I’ve even arrived in Seoul.
And I’m sure it will make a great talking point when I get there. And I will have many instant new friends. Like last time. Because I am blonde and my name is Brittany, and every Korean guy thought it was awesome when I lost a drinking game so they could sing, "Oops, I Did it Again."
...Goddammit, I am so going to have to cancel this trip.