Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why Part of Alaska Should Cede from the Union for the Betterment of the State as a Whole, and What that Has to Do With My Dead Fish

There wasn’t exactly a huge outpouring of ideas from readers when it came to naming my hideous dead piranha, but that’s not exactly surprising because no one reads this crap. Luckily, some creative types came up with Hannibal and Chainsaw – which are pretty awesome names – but my fickle heart was already set on something.


Ah, FrankenFish. The perfect name for my dead and scaly associate. I have given my eBay-bought taxidermy a whole new life after death – so I think the name is only fitting.

Except that it’s already taken.

Yes – someone else came up with FrankenFish first! And I thought I was being so witty! But the original FrankenFish has already starred in a motion picture. And is therefore, automatically, more popular than my preserved little friend. Barely.

You see, I Wikipedia-d that shit (yes, Wikipedia can be a verb. But, as I tried to explain to a little old lady yesterday, Amazon can not. You cannot Amazon something. It simply is not of Google or Wikipedia status) and found a film from 2004 called Frankenfish. Apparently, Frankenfish is like the worst movie ever, because Wikipedia had this to say about the plot summary:

Yes, Wikipedia is telling you that this plot summary is simply too fucking long and detailed. They don’t want this information, because nobody freaking cares. In fact, the jack asses that spent an hour composing this Wikipedia entry have completely wasted their time and effort, according to Wikipedia. Because Frankenfish is so lame, it only merits a sentence! A SENTENCE!

Wikipedia thinks you can IMPROVE this article by REMOVING details. Have you ever seen anything like this before?! I legitimately feel sympathy for Mark Dippe, because I bet no studio ever financed a film directed by him ever again. In fact, his Wikipedia bio is one line long. It says he is from Alaska. And now I legitimately feel sympathy for Alaska. Because it is the birthplace of a director who makes films that even THE FUCKING INTERNET doesn’t care about.

The horror.

Even more horrific is the film’s theme song, which was apparently retarded enough to merit a mention:

“Wata”? Really?

Anyway, because Frankenfish the movie has made such horrible use of a perfectly good fish name, I hereby claim it as my own, with the hope I can do it justice.

World, meet Sir Fitzwilliam FrankenFish! (The Sir and Fitzwilliam add some sexiness and class, don’t you agree?)

P.S. According to IMDb, Mark Dippe’s career is in a bit of a tail spin. He’s directed some straight to DVD cartoons about Garfield the lasagna-eating cat, a film called Gigi that doesn’t even have a plot summary, and – get this – his next project is The Legend of Spyro (yes, about that purple dragon from the Sony game series).

Alaska, if I were you, I’d cede the territory that bitch was born in, stat. Give it a flag, a king, and call it Lame Land. Problem solved. Our buddy Mark isn’t from Alaska anymore.

All hail Lame Land, home of mutant fish film directors and the arbitrary lost caribou.

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