Monday, March 29, 2010

My Non-Imaginary Blog Readers, a Skulk of FrankenFish, and a Trip into My Torrid Past

The other day, I happened to log on to my old Gmail account and discover that my roommate from my freshman year of college had sent me a happy graduation email back in June. This was pretty exciting news, because said roommate is totally awesome (I mean, seriously, no one else emails me about their little sister’s adventures as a knife salesman in Wisconsin, or writes about their life in the format of the character descriptions at the beginning of a stage play).

I had thought I no longer had her contact information, so the existence of this fairly recent email was pretty fucking sweet. I promptly responded from my current email to see what was up.

Funnily enough, what was up was that my ex roomie has been reading this ridiculous blog!

Brittany! My stalkee!

I have been up to very little. I moved back home late last year and have been looking for a job/applying to grad school/doing various volunteer things since then. It is a lovely calm little life but one that is completely unproductive. Besides the obvious financial problems of unemployment, I find that I fill the hours with stuff to do and completely forget that I am now a social problem. Until, of course, I am reminded.

In any case, you should know that I have been stalking you. I think you may have linked to your twitter account on facebook at some point. Twitter led me to a blog, and later to your new blog. Which I have to say is quite lovely. But, I’ve been feeling creepy reading it, like a paparazzo in a tree. So I’m glad to have your new e-mail so I can come out of the closet and say: Hello to Mr. Frankenfish!

The Ex Roommate

P.S. It occurs to me that Mr. Frankenfish must have a plural. School of fish, sloth of bears, a clowder of cats. I can’t imagine a school of Frankenfish, so might I suggest, were Mr. Frankenfish ever to find a mate, that they be called a Skulk of Frankenfish? It is used for foxes currently.

Well, I must say, a Skulk of FrankenFish sounds absolutely wonderful. Which means I’ll have to acquire more taxidermy. (The one small problem is that Sir FrankenFish came out in my last post as a lover of lobsters. What do you call a half lobster, half FrankenFish? And what do you call a group of lobsters and FrankenFish? A skulk of FrankenLobsters?)

The other awesome thing about rediscovering was ex roomie’s email was that I got to re-read my ludicrous responses to her emails.

Wow, things have really changed over the past few years.

Below is my response to the ex roomie’s life as told by stage play character descriptions. This was at a time when I though having multiple boyfriends was a good idea (aka, March of 2008).

Main Character - Me: Antisocial, angry student who desperately wants an adventure. This desire prompts her to do very odd things, like travel to Reno, Nevada and Texas and Berkeley and Boston for a few days at a time, or spend her weekends as a drunk groupie on the floor of a dumpy recording studio with an indie band, or plan her post-graduation move to Seoul, Korea. MC has men issues - she doesn’t want a boyfriend, so instead she has a pack of crazy boys/men that she leads on for ages and has constant contact with via text message. She has yet to make good friends with other students.

MC’s “Boyfriend” #1 - The Graphic Designer: Totally emo, artsy 28 year old that MC worked with over the summer. He is constantly depressed about life, and wants to succeed as a graphic designer, so he moved to New York. Despite the distance, this emo graphic designer still manages to have contact with the MC every day - through emails, text messages, and phone calls. He gets drunk on weekends and calls or texts the MC with very raunchy messages. MC has adapted very quickly and might have a possible career in writing very smutty romance novels (the type with Fabio on the cover) because of all the experience she is gaining by composing sexy text messages.

MC’s “Boyfriend” #2 - The Alum: When MC’s mother told her to date a boy from her college, she did not mean an alum from the class of ‘99! Somehow, MC ended up on spontaneous date with the Alum, who is a 29 year old lawyer with a BMW. MC hates all that the Alum stands for, but finds he is a very nice person. Now she just needs to get him to stop acting like her sugga daddy and to stop saying things like “Let’s go to New York…Right now!” and “Yeah, I decided to take the MacBook to my office, and buy a MacBook Pro for my townhouse.” If the MC had any desire to be a trophy wife, she’d be on the right path with this guy. She does wonder from time to time how he manages to afford everything, since he is almost never at work and always asking her to skip class and hang out with him.

MC’s Best Guy Friend: MC and her guy friend used to always hang out - until the Guy Friend got a girlfriend! MC doesn’t mind, except that Guy Friend is now acting like a retard. Guy Friend’s new lady love has decided to go to grad school in Georgia - and now Guy Friend, who has only know this girl for 3 months, is determined to follow her. MC would explain to him that moving across the country for a girl you barely know is probably a bad idea, but she never sees Guy Friend anymore because he is too busy being depressed and plotting his move to the South.

MC’s Crazy Ex: You probably remember [Soldier Boy] - MC’s crazy (now ex) boyfriend. [Soldier Boy] put MC through much pain and suffering, until one day, MC had simply had enough. Since the break, [Soldier Boy] has managed to drop out of college and enlist in the military. MC now finds his antics funny, and hangs out with him from time to time so she can laugh later about his stupidity. Most recently, [Soldier Boy] was upset that his new girlfriend doesn’t have a car, wastes his money, is fat, and is constantly high. MC thought this sounded very familiar - and then realized that [Soldier Boy] was dating a female version of himself. Unfortunately, he did not see the irony and thought the MC was very rude for mentioning it.

MC’s Roommates, aka Turtles: Kung Pao and Bok Choy are MC’s tiny green roommates. The Turtles are very badly behaved. They pretend to be starving to death to inspire sympathy when they have, in fact, eaten a truck load of turtle pellets. They can often be seen chewing on inedible items in their tank (suction cups, water heaters, filter tubes) or trying to escape while the MC is cleaning their habitat (Kung Pao did a swan dive into the trash can last week). Their goal in life is to make outsiders think that the MC mistreats them - even though they get fatter and larger everyday.


Oh. Wow.

Well, on a side note, Best Guy Friend (who is no longer, since I basically haven’t seen him in years) seems to be doing very well with his lady love. And Soldier Boy has not be blown up in Afghanistan yet. Which is a good indication that I should stop being so cynical. Sorry guys. You know I think you are both wonderful.

To The Graphic Designer, okay, you did text me again. On Friday. What can I do to help you meet some hot New York girls? Because every time I respond to your texts, you launch into a dirty, erotic tangent that I somehow wasn’t expecting. You’re insatiable. In a bad way. And all those pictures you send me fit perfectly and hilariously into the dick picture rules in this fabulous article. Which makes you kind of ridiculous. I mean, I think you’re a nice guy. I just think you need to stop drinking and texting at the same time.

Oh, The Alum. I can honestly say I don’t wonder at all where you are. Every day when I wake up, I give thanks for having the presence of mind to not engage in BDSM activities with you. That is all.

And me? Well, I ended up with the lead singer of that indie band I mentioned. Yes, The Boyfriend. And I’m still an angry, antisocial nitwit. But I’ve improved drastically. I can honestly say I like a lot more people now. Plus I get out more. And I hear I’m a really fun drunk.

Oh, and my turtles are now the size of dinner plates.

So thanks ex roomie! I’ve enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And I’m really excited about my possible future skulk of FrankenFish!


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