You Know You Suck If

If you are gunning your 1990s Corvette down Gaffey Street in San Pedro, California, at 9 in the morning, you are not fucking cool.

Especially if you are gunning it on your way to a red light, at which you are forced to come to screeching halt. And especially if you did all that just so you could try to make eye contact with me right before you stepped on the gas like a bad ass.

Ew, your car is outdated, and a dirty burgundy color. I know it’s a Corvette, jesus. But it’s an old Corvette. Old Corvettes do not become cool until they are classic Corvettes. Right now you are just the lame ass who couldn’t afford a new car.

I mean, if you’re cool, I must be cool too. Hey, I’ve got a Mercedes. Yeah bitch, a Sportline with racing seats! My model was more expensive than those regular 190 E’s, yeah, umm, back in 1992! Hey, I’m gonna fucking gun it up and down this port town – everyone’s going to be really impressed. Yeah.

Sorry man, you just can’t get to me – not even with that raised eyebrow and those douchey tats. I mean, ugh, you’ve got car air freshener that’s shaped like a pine tree. In your Corvette. Obviously you are not a classy Corvette owner. I’m guessing you logged on to AutoTrader last year looking for a deal. Well, I hope it was a deal, because it sure looks like one.

That car might work if you were in high school. But man, you’re like 45. Middle-aged dudes like you can get away with run-the-mill used cars, valuable classic cars, or brand new sport cars. Because those cars signify a normal dude, an avid hobbyist, or a wealthy businessman, respectively. A 1990s Corvette says: “I wish I were wealthy and a baller, but I’m not. So I’m going to take my meager savings and purchase the car I would have liked to have 10 years ago.” That’s not a good look, my friend. It does not make the ladies hot.

If you had a 10-year-old Lamborghini, I might have bothered to take a second look. But that’s because those mutherfuckers are still freaking expensive 10 years later. Dude, I could buy your fucking Corvette. What’d that set you back, 8 grand? I mean, I’m just going off of AutoTrader here.

Sell that beacon of shame, man. You didn’t hit it big, and you can never get your good looks back. It’s over. The glory days are gone. Go get yourself a Prius. Oh wait, that’s out of your price range.