Monday, January 25, 2010

The Stalkers at UPS

It’s kind of awesome that some minimum-wage earning, half-in-the-bag, unshaven stoner took the time out of his busy schedule at the United Parcel Service to commit a federal offense – just so he scare the crap out of some unsuspecting internet shopper.

Yes, that shopper would be me.

On Saturday, I finally received the planner I had ordered from Poketo. It came in a manila envelope, and had been shipped by some packing service through UPS. The flap was taped down with industrial packing tape, and I struggled to rip it open. At first, only a small corner opened – but that corner, much to my surprise, had “eet” written on it in someone’s sloppy cursive.

Now why would anyone write something on the inside of a manila envelope flap?

At first, I figured it was just a cute message from someone at Poketo, in the same vein as all those Etsy artists who write you “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” notes because they’re starving to death into their studio apartments trying to make ends meet by doing freelance photography and sewing plush monster dolls.

But no.

After taking a pair of scissors and cutting carefully around the flap, I discovered this:

“Brittany let’s meet”

Whoa. Whoa. Cue panic mode! (If you’re not aware, all young females from the suburbs have been raised with the idea that everyone is out to rape/kill them and if they aren’t extremely cautious, death by psychotic drug addict/serial rapist is inevitable. I can thank my mother for the waves of insuppressible fear that arise every time I happen to be alone on a sidewalk after dark.)

Here’s the thing. Obviously, my UPS stalker had gotten my name from the address label on the package, and therefore could very well have my address. He could show up at my door, knock, ask for Brittany, and then murder me. All because I had made the grievous mistake of ordering something online. Woe is me! My internet shopping addiction has led to my demise!

For fuck’s sake. What kind of serial killer sends notes to his victims via UPS before showing up at their door, with no idea what they look like? This seems like a shaky plan. This hypothetical serial killer would be in federal prison by now.

So, of course, I calmed down. And laughed. Silly UPS fucktards – they really must be bored. Fucking with my mail and shit. Yeah, dude was probably high and hitting on people via cryptic envelope messages seemed like a good idea.

But, ummm….if I turn up dead, would you let the police know about this?


I mean, not that that would happen. I’m just kidding.

Sort of.

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