Wednesday, March 14, 2012

‘Shit My Dad Says’: The Jack Donaghy Doppelgänger Edition

One of the many reasons I love 30 Rock is the character Jack Donaghy. Everything that comes out of his mouth reminds me of my own father, who has spent 20+ years trying to turn me into a cunning financial maven with nerves of steel. I guess that would make me Liz Lemon?

Whether it was the ill-conceived “stock game,” in which my fourth grade self was instructed to monitor the daily fluctuations of the stock market (“No Brittany! You may not invest all your pretend money in Disney! You must diversify!”) or the extremely stressful public speaking lessons (re: my father towering over me in his custom British suit, shouting, “ANNUNCIATE BRITTANY! Pear-shaped tones!”), my dad certainly knew how to how make an impact. I mean, sometimes, I still hear that voice in the back of my head telling me that a used 12-cylinder Jaguar really is a great deal, or that I’m not allowed to order a good cut of steak anything more than rare.

So, when my father and I met for our bi-annual dinner last night, I took copious notes. Here are some of the highlights:

My Father, The Professor

“I told my students what I told you when you decided to major in Asian Studies – ‘You only have to learn one phrase for your future as a liberal arts graduate: Would you like fries with that?’ But, really sweetie, I’m pleasantly surprised about how your career is turning out.”

My Father On Celebrities

“[Wife Number Four (or Five)]’s intern just married Ringo Star’s manager. One of The Monkees was at the ceremony – I wanted to ask him if he came in the Monkeemobile, but my wife wouldn’t let me.”

My Father, The Republican

“It’s going to take a fucking miracle for Obama to get reelected. Wait, you’re not a Republican? So…how do you feel about Mitt Romney being president? Because it’s going to happen.”

My Father On My Love Life

“What have you been up to lately?” “Well, I’ve been taking a cardio dance class…” “No boyfriend yet, huh?”

My Father On Friendship

“My golf partner is 82-years-old. He just survived pancreatic cancer, because he’s too fucking mean to die.”

My Father On Marriage

“You remember my friend Bob? He wanted a new Jaguar. But his wife wanted an Infinity. He’s a damn pussy, so he bought the Infinity. I found him an almost new Jag for practically nothing; then I told him to give his wife the Infinity and trade in their SUV for the Jag. I mean, she wanted the stupid Infinity! I know how this shit works, I used to be married to your mother.”

My Father On Former Bond Girls

"I met Barbara Bach. She’s still hot."

My Father On His Relationship With His Brother

“I talked your uncle into buying a new Corvette. He told me it was the best advice I’ve ever given him. I pointed out it was the only goddamn advice of mine he’s ever taken.”

My Father On Ohio

“Cincinnati is a shit hole. I flew over it once. The stewardess told us to turn our watches back 20 years.”

My Father On Politics

“The only people who still think abortions are an issue in this country are the feminazis.”

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