Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My Halloween Party Awesomeness Litmus Test

[This is basically all you need to accomplish an acceptable Halloween costume. Sad, but so, so true.]

Over the weekend, I spent 12 hours in my car just so I could party in Northern California for one night. You bet your ass it was epic.

Hence, a magazine-style quiz based on my one night in NorCal:

1. When you regain consciousness the morning after the party, you are A) still wearing false eyelashes and B) everything within a 30-foot radius is covered in glitter. Add 2 points.

2. You would get out of bed, but you have no sensation in your right foot. Rather than panic, you decide to “sleep this off.” Add 1 point.

3. You finally get up, and still can’t feel your right foot. Your toenails are all still intact (somewhat) but your right knee doesn’t work. No points awarded.

4. You take a shower lying down with a cup of coffee in your hand. Add 5 points if you don’t get shampoo in the coffee.

5. There is a trail of clothes leading from the front door, up the staircase, and to the bedroom, but you don’t remember how you got into your pajamas. They are on backwards. Add 3 points.

6. You discuss the evening’s events with your cohorts and discover that, collectively, y’all may have made out with a total of seven people, but nobody is certain if that count is accurate. Minus 3 points, because, well, ew.

7. You also realize you got a free ride back to your place with a foreigner wearing a gladiator outfit. Minus 5 points, because you are all idiots who are asking to be murdered. However, you refused to let him come into the house to “hang out,” and yelled “Access denied!” as you locked the front door, so add 4 points.

8. You and your best friend had a super clich├ęd chick moment at the club, and locked yourselves in the handicapped bathroom stall so you could talk about how “all men are assholes.” Minus 3 points.

9. You recall that your knee injury is the fault of a guy dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, who fell backwards off the stage you were dancing on (how delightfully skanky of you) and took you down with him. Add 2 points.

10. You acquired a stalker dressed as Will Ferrell’s character in “Semi-Pro” who tried to abduct you by dragging you out of the club to his car. You ran in the opposite direction like a track star in stilettos while screaming insults. Add 10 points.

11. You and your friends lose each other 15 minutes into the evening and don’t regroup until the lights in the club come on at 3 a.m. No points awarded.

12. You called 10 cab companies. You tried to leave angry voicemails. Add 1 point.

13. Wait. Did you do tequila shots at the expense of your rejected stalker? Add 3 points.

14. Within 20 minutes of entering the club, the bartender knows you by name and takes your order by giving you a thumbs up and winking. Add 5 points.

15. You walked up to a random guy with massive biceps and told him he was hot (you really couldn’t tell, with the lighting and all) and ran away before you could gauge his reaction. Minus 1 point.

16. You’re so drunk, you forget to make that promised drunk dial to your friend in Hawaii. Minus 2 points.

17. You wore a white bra under a low-cut black shirt (oh heavens) and because of the black light, it was your most notable attribute. Minus 3 points because your lame packing skills turned you into a hussy.

18. Your shirt was longer than everyone else’s dresses. Plus 3 points.

19. You eat leftover sushi at 4 a.m. while prostrate on the couch. Add 1 point.

20. You have to drive back to Southern California – a six hour journey – with a legendary hangover. You stay in the right lane so you will have easy access to the side of the road in case of vomiting. Minus 10 points.


  1. I LOVE the 6 hour drive hangover! SO FUN!

  2. I KNOW, RIGHT? Seriously. I thought I was going to die.

    But by the time I got to the In N Out in Kettleman City, I was so excited about animal style fries I totally forgot all about my pain and suffering.

  3. WOOT! Sounds like your weekend was pretty awesome. I forgive you for not drunk dialing me based on the epic-ness of your Saturday night.

    Did you actually almost get abducted??? Craziness.

  4. Yes, a man in a wig tried to explain to me why we would be so amazing together despite the fact that A) he was 36-years-old and B) he lives on the other side of the state. When I disagreed, he tried to drag me to his car to "talk".

    I found this completely unreasonable and ran for my freaking life, yo.